I am a 37-year-old mother of twins, a girl and boy. I never ever dreamt of having an affair after marriage but circumstances have forced me to. The twins were barely a year old when my husband travelled abroad. And he has been living there in the last seven years and because of that not just me, but even the kids have grown emotionally distant from him.
In the fourth year, he made arrangements and we started visiting him at least twice a year for just a couple of days. But the truth is we both knew that is not enough as there was a feeling of disconnect. The children are not very fond of him so they were not very comfortable staying with or around him whenever we visited. Their father-children interaction is absolutely zero; and he never even tried to win their love and affection.
To an extent, I don’t blame the children for their cold attitude towards their father because over the years, there was no physical father figure present in their lives. And most times when he phones to speak with us, they must have gone to bed.
Also, I and my husband usually don’t talk much the few days we spend together and I don’t even remember the last time we had sex. He does not even bother touching me and when I make the move, he tells me he’s tired. Intimacy and companionship are needs to be fulfilled in marriage but I’m not getting it. So, will I force my husband to perform his conjugal duties or give me the attention I deserve?
I understand that long-distance relationship has its own challenges. It can be difficult to cope with the difficulties and emotions but even when we visited, I anticipate that the children will bond with their family by engaging in different activities as we spend time together as a family. But my husband showed little or no interest in bonding with his kids.
My greatest worry was that he never made an effort to bring back the spark we once had in our relationship or do things that will make him earn the children’s love and affection. During our last visit, I was bold enough to ask him if he was having an affair. Although my question enraged him but he never gave me a direct answer. I expressed how unhappy I was about his attitude and the effect it is having on our relationship and family as a whole but he told me to do whatever will make me happy. I was speechless! His words left me heartbroken.
Unfortunately, recently I started having an affair with one of my colleagues at the office. When we started the affair, I sat down to reflect on my values, choices and prepare myself for whatever may be the consequences.
And yes, the man is also married but we like each other a lot. We enjoy each other’s company too. He pampers and showers me with so much love and attention. But one thing I don’t ever do is to interfere in his marriage. We both know our boundaries when it comes to our marriages and families.
I know so many people will criticize me for this act as a married African woman. But what should I do? Should I keep hoping and working on a marriage that has lost its course? Or should I continue the relationship with my colleague that gives me so much happiness even though it will lead nowhere? And yes, sometimes, I feel guilty for cheating on my husband but his attitude has made me conclude that he has another family abroad that’s the reason for his attitude change towards us. So, I’m I really to blame for having an affair?